Hosting an elegant tea party doesn’t have to be stressful and isn’t about perfection, especially when there’s an apocalypse raging outside. Enjoy the relative safety of dainty cups and saucers, and the rarity of an elegant and civilized occasion.
Set the Scene
Maximize the mood with PTSD (Pre-Tea Survival Decor) using our bougie checklist as a guide.
We don’t go cheap when the party has a mid-1930s vibe, and no one is sure if there’s a war.
- An elegant linen tablecloth
- Fine china
- Polished flatware
- Freshly ironed linen napkins
- Crystal champagne flutes
- A series of low profile fresh flower bouquets (peonies, garden roses, ranunculus, freesia)
- And of course, a string quartet or solo harpist
Dress Code
A few simple suggestions can make the afternoon feel polished to a dull shine:
- Women: Wear ballet flats, block heels or combat boots; for jewelry: pearls, a chain with the key to your storage facility, or the string of bottlecaps you just made into a necklace.
- Men: Wear crisp linen shirts (preferably without blood stains) under heavy jackets or bullet proof vests, loafers or work boots, and an elegant stone beaded bracelet for saying the rosary.
Etiquette
The tea party is the last bastion of all that is (mostly) civilized.
- Milk goes after the tea (never before) but not on top of the tea bag (FFS); stir without clinking your spoon against the cup; use sugar tongs for sugar cubes not a spoon; break your scone gently with your fingers, not a knife.
- Swearing and raucous laughter is encouraged; more champagne than tea, nostalgic toasts and a prayer for the future are highly encouraged. No politics, no complaints, no comments about last week’s close calls or the impending doom outside. Leave all Kevlar, helmets, and weapons out of sight. Bring a small gift but don’t bring ice.
Tea
Tea belies control: conversation before confession, laughter before panic.
After the table is set and the threat level has been downgraded to DEFCON 3, serve the tea. Whether it’s a smoky Earl Grey or a flavorful flowering tea, it should feel structured and elegant.
Food
Food provides sustenance for social turbulence in the form of crudite and hors d’oeuvres.
Most recipes serve 3-4 bites per “civilized” person. Triple the batch.
Kryptonite Quiche
Ingredients:
- 1 pre-made 9-inch pie crust
- 1 tbsp olive oil
- 1 small yellow onion, diced
- 8 oz cremini or button mushrooms, sliced
- 5 oz fresh baby spinach
- 1 cup shredded Gruyère
- 4 large eggs
- 1 cup half-and-half
- ¼ tsp ground nutmeg
- Salt and black pepper, to taste
Instructions:
- Preheat the oven to 375°F
- Sauté the diced onion in olive oil until soft, then add the sliced mushrooms and cook until golden.
- Stir in the fresh spinach and cook until wilted, then let the vegetable mixture cool slightly.
- In a separate bowl, whisk together the eggs, milk, salt, pepper, and nutmeg.
- Layer half of the shredded cheese in the crust, top with the vegetable mixture, and then add the remaining cheese. Pour the egg mixture over the top and bake for 35–40 minutes until set and lightly golden.
Mini Pavlovas
Total Time: 2. 25 hours
Servings: 15 pavlovas
Ingredients:
Pavlova:
6 large egg whites, room temperature
1.5 cups granulated sugar
2 tsp corn starch
1/2 Tbsp lemon juice
1/2 Tbsp vanilla extract
Cream Frosting:
1 1/2 cups heavy whipping cream, (very cold)
2 tbsp granulated sugar
Toppings:
4-5 cups fresh fruit, blueberries, kiwi, raspberries, sliced strawberries, etc.
Mint leaves and edible flowers for garnish
Instructions:
- Preheat the Oven to 225˚ F and line a large baking sheet with parchment paper.
- Using your stand mixer, beat 6 egg whites on high speed for 1 min until soft peaks form.
- With the mixer on, gradually add 1 1/2 cups sugar and beat for 6-8 minutes on high speed, or until stiff peaks form. It will be smooth and glossy. If using a hand mixer, consider adding hand and arm exercises to your daily routine several weeks in advance.
- Use a spatula to quickly fold in 1 Tbsp vanilla extract and 2 tsp corn starch and mix until well blended.
- Pipe meringue into 3 inch wide nests onto the parchment paper using a Wilton 1M Tip.
- Indent the center with a spoon to allow room for cream.
- Bake at 225˚ for 1 hr and 15 minutes, then turn the oven off and without opening the door, let the meringue sit in the hot oven for another 30 minutes. *The outside will be dry, crisp and pale cream-colored; the insides will still be soft.
- Transfer the pavlova with the parchment paper to cool to room temperature.
- Make the Frosting: In a large, cold mixing bowl, combine cold whipping cream with 2 Tbsp sugar and beat on high speed for 2 to 2 1/2 minutes or until whipped and spreadable.
- Assemble Pavlovas: pipe frosting onto the pavlova and top with fresh fruit and garnishes.
Caramelized Onions & Gruyere Palmiers
Serves 18-20 Palmiers
or 3/4 per (civillized) person:
Ingredients:
1 sheet puff pastry
2 large onions,
caramelized until golden
½ cup grated Gruyère (or anything that implies generational wealth)
Pinch of thyme, salt
Instructions:
Spread a very thin layer of the onions and cheese over puff pastry. Roll each long side of the pastry toward the center so you have two scrolls next to each other. Chill for 30 minutes, slice about 3/4 of an inch, and bake at 400°F until golden. Garnish with editable rosemary flowers.
Champagne
Every proper tea party requires tea for poise, champagne for potential.
Champagne marks the moment the afternoon shifts from grace to glamour, or possbily from restraint to debauchery. Ipso facto, it should be expensive and delicious.
Final Thought
When civilization teeters, the tea party is a steady friend.
It’s about savoring food and drink, the good times we still have, and a space where elegance, love, and safety momentariliy coexist. It’s about remembering that beauty and absurdity have always been our best defenses.