Battle Recovery: The Bougie Edition

Disconnect & Stabilize

• Remove the armor: change out of the clothes you have on (avoid the temptation to burn everything right then and there), and remove jewelry and shrapnel.
• Release the tension: quickly (before you change your mind) put on some shorts or sweats and walk/run – 10 minutes out and 10 minutes back, possibly using a surveillance detection route, at a clip. Try not to just keep running unless you pick up a tail.
• Stabilize: once home, bolt the door. Light a smudge stick to put any demons on pause and drink a full 12 oz of water with electrolytes. Have some protein (string cheese and pumpkin seeds) to calm your blood sugar. Emergency Protocol: switch from electrolytes to cognac in the event of imminent disaster. Break glass (any glass is fine) because high-end chaos requires french oak.

Get Your Mind Right

• Mentally transition to your private world: darken your space and light three to four clean-burning fragrant candles (not sooty or waxy) to create a mood of safety and calm. For a similar vibe, light a small trash fire on your balcony.
• Sound check: Start a soothing playlist (not your “ride or die”) such as an off-genre selection from another era, at a very low volume, to transform the ambiance and possibly time travel. Use a sound system instead of ear buds to expand your personal space and let in other ambient sounds (e.g. the dishwasher, fire alarm, shots fired).
• Get grounded: Lie flat on your yoga mat, and just stay there for five to seven minutes.

Go Luxe for Body Care

• Mind the details: replace the hidden weapons in the towel warmer with a fluffy towel and robe. Set for 30-40 minutes. Get your softest pajamas out and spritz them with a delicious body spray or perfume and keep them cool. If no fragrance is available, mix your pajamas in a bowl with marshmallows, vanilla, ground black pepper, and an Earl Grey tea bag for five minutes.
• Shower off the fallout: wash the day’s nuclear debris from your skin with the most luxurious body wash and skin scrub you own. Then wrap yourself in the warm towel until your skin is almost dry, apply an indulgent body oil, then slip into the warm robe. Breathe and savor the removal of Spanx and Kevlar.
• Layer your defenses: while your skin absorbs the oil under the warm robe, apply an anti-facial recognition device for 10 minutes, followed by a super moisturizing over-night face mask, some bougie end-of-times lip gloss, and a leave-in hair treatment to address the matted raccoon vibe. Finally, swap the warm robe for the cool, fragrant pajamas and step into your softest slippers.

Ease into Deep Healing and Comfort

• Make the bougie nightcap: boil fresh water in an electric kettle, let it cool slightly, and steep a caffeine-free lavender mint tea bag for three to four minutes (or in a pinch, mix the water with baking soda and vinegar to clean tire tracks off your clothes). Add a scoop of unflavored collagen to the tea for a full body boost, and put it on your nightstand next to your flashlight, pepper spray, and massage gun.
• Get Cozy: Sit on your bed or couch under a chunky cotton weighted knit blanket, and put some luxe foot cream, fresh bandaids, and socks on your feet.
• Pause: Take a moment to listen to the music, enjoy the fragrance and mood of the candles and perfumes, feel the warming oil and moisture on your skin, and drink your tea. You’re a goddess now. You won.
• Pick up where you left off on Goodnight Moon, and let yourself drift off to sleep.

Luxury isn’t extra—it’s the antidote to chaos.